It's the helplessness that gets me every time.
Do I have control issues?
And, is this where it all comes from?
Some misplaced blame
Another story I tell myself about how I could have done more
How this shouldn't have happened and how I need to tell you what happened to me because maybe you will forgive me.
Maybe your absolution will make it go away.
I have to hold on, I have to remember and go over it again- the part where I was wrong or couldn't or didn't. I have to go over it again- as a punishment.
Because maybe I will find something new?
I hold on so tight because it's comfortable- because that ache is a familiar thing.
I want to tell you but I don't. I never do because the truth is, you don't want to hear it.
The truth is, it doesn't really matter.
My purpose is to learn as much as I can
To overcome my fears
To give as much love and light and hope as I can
As much as I can.
And the rest of the truth is, I wasn't helpless in those moments.
I gave of my love.
I dressed her gently and sang her a lullabye and held her with love and care.
I gave a smile, a gentle touch, a laugh.
The real truth is, it's not my fault.
And that story only holds court in my soul as long as I allow it to.
Until I can let it go, and let unbridled joy fill in the cracks.
How do I let go of the purple lips, the crawling, the smells and cracking skin and bones? How to stop my little skeletons their rattling? It's a journey of forgiveness and releasing.
Its comfortable in the dark,
But I don't have to stay here.
I am my own captor- my own judge and jury.
I don't have to pay my soul's ransom in rubies and sapphires.
2 comments:
It is because you, unlike so many others, do actually care. This anguish you suffer gives you great connection with all that is good and right with the world, for without you, who would there be? These moments of introspective longing will in time provide you with the materials of a great life, a life un-lived by common, garden variety super-heros. Yes, you will live a life extraordinary, because of the choices you have made, the lives you have saved, and those you have not, and what you have learned in the process. I aspire to be the gravel beneath your feet.
It is because you, unlike so many others, do actually care. This anguish you suffer gives you great connection with all that is good and right with the world, for without you, who would there be? These moments of introspective longing will in time provide you with the materials of a great life, a life un-lived by common, garden variety super-heros. Yes, you will live a life extraordinary, because of the choices you have made, the lives you have saved, and those you have not, and what you have learned in the process. I aspire to be the gravel beneath your feet.
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