Summer rain.

I laid in bed curled in soft sheets
I threw open the window to let in the storm
I remember falling in love to this very music
The song of rain on the lush maple, the pavement wet from a thousand little licking rivers
I remember lying in another bed years away and thinking I could stay there, by your side for the rest of forever.
Wondering- would we click together, easy as if we'd never been apart?
Could this fire of passion burn bright enough to light the way through the darkest places? Could we lean on eachother, and learn and grow and live together? Would we share the world, or simply this moment?
Oblivious cars pass by on the streets outside, the clouds drum on, and moments have stretched into months and years and I am back in these sheets, in another lifetime, listening to the rain and thinking of you.
Listening to the rain, and still in love with you.

You or I.

I turn a cobbled corner and am surprised to find you here.
Not sure who has been following whom, again
But here you are.
I catch sight or scent of you here or there-
The tail of your scarf,
A whispered promise
A crumpled leaf with your watermark.
I catch up now and then, or you do
We do
And we tango for a moment
Dance a tangled waltz across a square.
I touch you with my fingertips,
Grasping cloth or hair
And find you made of iron smoke,
Magnetic ephemera, if there was ever such a thing.
We whirl in step a moment,
And then you're gone.
I am left standing alone by the river,
Your breath left on my skin.
Will we always meet and part this way?
Will I always be left to wonder when?
Will you ever whisk me away, or I you-
I'm not sure who chooses whom, I or Madness.
I'm only sure you'll always beckon from my own shadow.

Flow.

Mixing signals, cross a great divide
I have a hard time with intrinsic value,
I want to know what it means to me, and I'll warn you
Rules at odds are easy to circumvent.
Absolutes beg exceptions
And I can find a justification in my heart.
Dripping water calms me tonight,
And that feeling, like flying, soaring even
Flow in flight that makes my muscles ache for more
Lift me up, raise it up
This small sacrifice.
A few cells here and there- "does it hurt you?"
Of course it does.
Everything worthwhile has to hurt a little.

Home?

Dusty hills heave weeds onto their humped backs.
Ever digging, digging slowly toward eachother that they might overtake a valley verdant with joy.
Roof rocks roll slowly, molasses churning downhill.
The sky is duller here, the light refracted less, I guess.
Cracking mud and blowing silt whisper their fortunes in my ear.
I'm homesick for anywhere but here.
We'll raise it up, we'll light a fire, til there's nothing left to burn.
We'll call it down, draw you in, show it all to you.
And then sweep it aside, give it back and breathe again.
Then, we'll breathe again.

Recover.

Grasping at straws,
sun-bright through holes in my skin.
Still waking up, waking up, waking up...
I am ready to be done with this,
But it's not quite done with me.
My heart hammers through my ribs,
Frantic, caged fluttering thing
My breast-bird would burst forth if it could.
It rubs it's feathers off and nerves raw jumping and crashing to get out.
My poor heart, strung out, bedraggled.
I'm trying to find a lesson in this
Trying to find the love and lifting height I was sent for.
But the sounds and the furies keep me blind.
Keep me mute.
Keep me captive in my own bones.

Trip.

My mouth is dry

Branches reaching for my soul held hostage

Sent on a journey, willing but unwitting

Wish I could figure out what it is I learned

Love, lift our light.

Wings like burning, like night's passion.

I'm starving for redemption.

I see your texture miles away

And I'm afraid it means I've lost.

Secondary.

If I were you I would enjoy this too.
Wonder if I am something fully automated
Somehing programmed well
Offer, left and waiting.
We are our own broken lights.
Our own sticky hands
Our own better decisions.
"Overwhelmed," I said.
Alone, to my own devices.
Left in the dark, I chose right.
Like I said, left and waiting.
This is my consquence. My second breath.
My perspective.

Oh, to be the other one.
Oh, fortune. I know it's you pounding my temples.
I know it's your wailing.
But soft you now, bring your child anew.
Bring it closer; that I might finally understand.

String.

One, two, three.
Rollercoaster.
Headlong.
Questions to be answered.
Even asked of you.

Like old places, graying at the edges
Like sunken powerlines
Sinkhole yawning outward.
Lovely dried petals stroke my cheek and try to comfort my heaving.
Even the rug sighs in pity.
Nothing alarms or even ticks.
A light clatter in the hallway is less distracting than it should be.
Hyperfocus trained on the dusty page in my hand,
I wait.

Post-haste.

Mixing worlds, colliding more or less
Less and less- too many expectations
Too few experiences.
Open and shut offer turned down.
Turn me down, I simply turn it up.
Go.
My wild nature gives chase.
I give in.
Wild eyes and foaming at the mouth, I rattle in my cage.
Beat my tarry wings at the bars.
"Just tired," I lie.
I saw my stars in your eyes, yes I still see colors, yes I still quicken my pace.
Falling into the blue night, like a one-off tune,
I find myself unable to reach past my elbows, some psychic palsy imprisoning.
Stumbling a stutter-step two three
Lurch four five
Wretch six seven eight.
"You can't feel..." the fuck I can't.
You have no idea.
Pretty and sparkling, perfect.
I know what you want and just how to give it to you and at the end of the day I scrub off the camouflage and make the mistake of looking in the mirror.
Could you help but feel the same?
Not quite right. Left open too long.
"I watched you as you disappeared..."
Watch me disappear.

Mischief.

I ate my breakfast in the shade by the river.
I thought about how ridiculous I might look,
Sputtering and flapping my way along the current
Soaking orange tank top and losing my hat.
Dramatic, perhaps and drastic but I need something.
I need a shakeup, a shock, a reset.
I daydream alarming measures taken
My turn to disappear
New jewelry
More tattooed.
"What are we doing tonight?"
"Umbrella tattoos."
I want to do somehing rash, irresponsible and selfish. Not harmful, just ridiculous. Just because.
The fast-moving water taunts me:
"Chicken," it says.
"You couldn't if you tried."
"One thing?" I respond.
I have lots of scary things ahead of me today, and they'll tide me over.
Today isn't the day.
But tomorrow might be.

Problem Solving.

Didn't raise my voice.
Didn't call down.
Didn't mean to cause a scene.
Kick higher, next time.
Big picture- fast instructions, I regret not slowing down, I don't know how to do it better.
Some things I hold tightly to, some I can let go
Looking for balance, but only finding slick pavement.

Purulent.

More or less tacit.
Not quite an apology not all approval
Held close.
Radio silence.

Creeping itch, just enough to keep me up at night.
A sinister ruby glow- not quite red , but it's insinuated.
Roiling just beneath the surface, a battle takes it's shape
Forms it's lines
Wars won and lost, the spoils drip out on the floor.
Stay or go, reasoning presented against the surging tide.
Take arms, gentlemen.
Or take to your legs.

Second.

It would be hard.
I wouldn't want to share with me,
Be compared to me
With all my flaws and precious faults
I am a force to be reckoned with (of nature? Ha.)
I am one of those girls, I think.
Playing my part well, keeping my piece and finding my way across this tightrope without losing my balance much.
I feel like it's cheating somehow, but I recognize that no matter whether I am counting cards or not,
My shadow's a dark place indeed.
I don't mean it.
I try to give as much as I can.
I wish I knew how to do more.
I wonder though if it's that I'm not giving my best, or that what you need simply isn't mine to give?

Day.

Countdown.
Chin up.
Have faith.
Another reminder.
Another sidelong glance.
Go with the flow.
Opportunity.
Perfection.

Worth it. So, so worth it.
Swing wide, uppercut to my self-doubt.
Grace and Providence deal their cards
A death blow to my fear of failure.

Another chance, today.
I am quietly celebrating-
"...this chance to be alive and breathing...",
one year of growth and learning later, love elevates us all,
a simple reprieve
my forever teammate, I will always pick you for my kickball team.

"Curiouser and curiouser...."
I enjoy your peculiarities, the familiarity.
Sharing in it all. Comfortable and comforting, won't you curl your tail 'round my legs and sing me a lullabye?
In the end, you're all I ever needed.
I want it all, but I only need you.

As you were.

"And mercy, mercy in this world..."

Logic vs. animal, rational and desirous

Compete for my attention and affection

Back to where I belong, I suppose.

Better this way.

I'm living life from one rehearsal to the next

And it's starting to get a little old.

"You reinvent yourself every 7 years" someone told me.

I might be getting closer.

7-year itch?

Alone here and awake.

I was reaching, calling out and opened up and trusted that

I could.

It stings a little, but I know better.

Grainy focus

Blurred edges and lines

Fast-forward please to the part where I know my lines?

Where I know what the next page brings?

"...for wise men know what monsters you make of them.'''

Sniffing on the wind, something's coming.

Little twisting vines wrap through my ears scrambling to catch hold.

Tentacles, even. Barbed and envenomed.

I take that leap, I touch that spinning wheel, I climb because

If I never did, I might never make it.

But if I don't at least I tried.

I do it because I don't know any other way.

Because a life lived at anything less than full-speed...

Not that it isn't a life at all, it just isn't a life for me.

Overwhelmed and undernourished

Here your path takes a turn and mine continues straight.

It was nice to walk here a little while,

And I must remember that this way is just as lush,

Just as perfect still as I go on.