It steals things.
My bright things.
Anything pretty or shiny or good.
It tells me things.
Tells me I'm not in on the joke.
Everyone is faking it.
That I didn't try hard enough.
It steals things.
Anything that sparkles with joy
Anything that's made of laughter or connection.
It makes me feel heavy.
It whispers the answers in my ear
And pastes lists of losts and lasts and misses behind my eyelids at night.
You are ugly and broken,
It says.
You will never be.
It takes my hope and my desire and my ferocity and wears them in its lapel like a flower.
My breath is sour,
My hands are empty and my feet are still.

It tells me I'll never sing again.
That my songs weren't ever good, anyway
And that I should just hand it the keys and turn in.

It's stealing everything.

Mute.

I washed his hair.
Tried cleaning off most of the blood and sticky white.
"Like lotion for his skin", I would have said.
I would have combed a darling part on his head, but his blistered skin would have come off in the bristled little brush.
I could feel his thigh bunching up in my clumsy hand- that familiar feel of too-thick pieces sliding too far. Careful with his too-white skin, still tearing here and there, leaving gaping bloodless wounds everywhere I touch.
Rubbery skull bones rattled in a deflated head as I changed his position. Careful with this little bag of bones, rubber-band tone long gone slack.
I talked to him because it felt weird not to. My muted coos filled a terrible vacuum a little.
Three days, they said.
"But, I can still feel him moving," she said.
"Can you still resuscitate?"
"How did this happen?"
"I thought everything was fine."
"When can I get pregnant again?"
And
"How do I say goodbye?"

I never said goodbye.

I doused him in oil to keep his wet paper skin from sticking to the cold blankets. I didn't bother getting warm ones.
I never said goodbye.
I saw the still little heart sweep by on the ultrasound screen. Both praying for and wishing against some agonal rhythm that might be sparked... And feeling my own heart sink when I saw that frozen image. All a family's hopes and dreams, gone in a flash.
"My baby," she cried.
"I'm sorry." We tried to explain. And faded into the roar of a tide of grief. It threatened to sweep us all away, that night.

So, I didn't say goodbye.

Twist.

Twist, turn
Remind me I'm alive.
It hurts, sometimes to be here and do this
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Crack my chest and keep it bleeding
Pour and pour and weigh and hurt
Sometimes it helps just to have a wound to salt.
An itch to scratch, and a song to sing.
You are my sunshine, my only darling.
My onyx-bladed light and darkness.
Sometimes you have to open something up and rattle it around
And be a mess so you can make it cleaner.
So twist on, dear heart and hopes.
Take your halting steps toward some peace and sense.