Reilly Nurse.

Sometimes, I wonder.
I take a breath for comparison and ask whether I'm doing a good job.
I wonder what I could do better, or different, or even worse.
I got to be there in the room where so many had gone before.
I fill some pretty big shoes, walking in hallowed footsteps here.
Fourth generation nurse at this hospital, I just got to help care for the fourth generation of my family...
These are the things roots are made of.
Sometimes I walk by the pictures of my great-grandmother and great-aunt that peer out from the wall downstairs- both president of their class here in the days when the nursing students lived in the old nuns' dorm across the street. I look into their bright faces and smile back with the same cheeks and wonder whether they'd be proud of me.
Whether they would make the same decisions I do.
I hope that: bolstered by innovation and technology, research and professionalism that improve my understanding of the human response to disease... That I am taking the same careful care of bodies and souls and hearts and families as they did.
I imagine that: when they were sitting where I sit, monitoring signs and easing symptoms, that nurses still complained about staffing, rolled their eyes at administrative policies, and shared stories and pictures of their children.
I am so thankful to hear the same cries of joy and relief and sorrow that they did, and to make a life in their legacy.

Alive.

All of those things that you run from?
They'll still be there when you get back.

Bricks and cotton.

Some permutation of gravity,
I spin my ellipsis round again
Spun back into comfortable, and safe
Like that old blanket, or some
Well-worn slippers.
That kind of comfort.  The kind everyone wants to say they don't need.
I stay skittish.
I stay wary.
Little wolfish at the table, I'm scared and hungry for roots.
Drifting panic comes easy, old habits die hard
But- that smile so easy, that dream so real and painfully tangible
I just didn't know how to hurt right, ever.
And then didn't know how heal.
So, I knit back my skin one fiber at a time.
I sew myself to you in phrases
"I love you", I sing;
"I'm sorry", you sigh.
"I won't" you promise:
And "we'll try".
But we.
It's easy to be alone.
You slowly wall yourself off, immurement.
Brick by brick.
We only stay alive, only find ourselves or God or something that means anything
Through eachother.  Through and through, not above or below or around but Through.
And so I stay open.
I keep working through.
Cause in the end I love you like I love water.
I can do without, but not for long.
I've found some wind in my sails and I'll find more cotton to
Sew together.
Yours and mine.
Brick,
By careful brick.

Lost Sleep.

Three o'clock and all is well.
Sleep and fleeting dreaming
Breathing hot and heavy on my neck
Open wide bright clouds and wash
My smoking soot-hair clean.
Three o'clock
O' holy hour of our night
Snow-thick blanket on the city's sparking lights and heaving tires.
Three o' wandering
Three o' wondering
Three o' keeping quiet watch
Shepherds of another morning, another soul to lose, another flock of counted sheep.

Fifteen Grams.

Cake.
Cake, please.
Sometimes the short journey from cradle to tomb
Isn't that long a stay.
Fifteen grams of sweet dreams
Gone so fast.
Fifteen grams of hope.
Of healing.
Of salvation all wrapped in plastic, now.
Labeled.
Lost.
So many firsts that just won't be.
So many joyful moments- too rare in this strange and terrible life-
Hold fast to your tiny ones,
Count their toes with your blessings.
Sigh relief with your frustrations, mothers.
Fathers, stand fast your watch over sleeping heads.
Sometimes our dreams slip aching and howling silent through our fingers.
Sometimes all we are left with
Is a dry and lonely slice of cake.

Out of time.

Out of habit.
Out of time and mind, I wander
Loose and bright stars
Like bullet holes
Like shining arrow-marks, they drip
Their hot silver on my eyelids.
I carry my baggage forth,
Onion paper peeling down my sides
Peer again, unbelieving through the bottom of another glass-
The answers still aren't there.
But the whispers are.
Some cold metal taps a quiet heartbeat on the door.
I scoop an errant constellation of dimes from the bottom of my purse and curse them right back.
Fuck you, winter.
Not this time.

Light. House.

Wake up.
Wake up, it said.
I can't do this anymore, every fiber
Every living breathing cell screamed back
They just hurt so much.  I can't bear it.
It...
Isn't yours to bear.  You are simply to stand witness,
Hold a safe space
A sweet and sacred space for Work to be done
For miracles of joy and sorrow and dreams to be wrought.
You are not to carry their burdens,
You are to Keep at the Gate between life and death -
It's a narrower gap than anyone should know
You are to feel, you are to think freely
But you are not to walk their path with them.
You are not to breathe their air, or take their pain or their elation
Like a thief.
You have been given a gift, a front-row seat into a secret, private ritual
Do not disrupt it, no matter how strange, how terrible, how powerful.
You are a shepherd, a lamp-bearer in a storm of fear and pain and chaos.
It's easy to get swept away sometimes
But remember your place there at the threshold.
You belong there, precious one.
You belong.

Down, down.

Down, down baby.
Down by the rollercoaster
Sweet, sweet baby
I'm gonna roll it over
Do it over
Play it over and over
Been over this before
Under, down and out
Just enough net left to keep me from
Sinking.
Tripped and fell and hit my
Hard head.
Broken open, glitter crystals born
Out.
In and out, put my
Little house of cards back together again.
Paint my cracks with plaster,
Hope that this time it holds.
Not perfect, not even
But I shine like the stars when I
Shimmy shimmy cocoa puff
Shimmy shake earthquake
I just want to do it right.
I just want to keep clean.

Through.

"One two, one two
And through and through
The vorpal blade went 'snickersnack'!
I left it dead, and with it's head
Went galumphing back."
'Another one bites the dust,'
They say.
'Another dragon down a hole'
Another wave, another tide of suffocating pride
They say
Another way to dream and die another day.
Some more advice on how to live your life
Another slice slung clean and wide
Drink something from the firehose
Do it while you're still alive
Do it with your eyes wide
Do more with your eyes wide
Open up and breathe, you're not enough
Never enough for me.
It was you, you said
It's you and you and you and...
One two
One two
Through.  And through.

Sunrise.

Another silver sunrise
Another dream I was with three
Red sky at night,
Burns out all the rain clouds
Takes with it all your smoke
Mirrors clamor for their ransom
Shimmer their protests out loud
But it's all different now.
All quieter, in that space between your words.
All grains of sifting memory, not shard-slices of regret.
Concrete edges grow a soft pink
Pillow orange horizon
Bright sun breaks hot on my new-mended heart
And I think: someday I just might be clean.

In the name of Healthcare.

Sometimes

The things we do are violent, brutal and gruesome.

"It's for the best." We say.

"It's for her own good." We explain.

"We saved you." We lie.

Sometimes we're wrong.

Wolves.

I dreamed there were two

Wolves at the door.

Sneering, whale-eyed.

Tails slung low under the moon.

They grinned their lies

Through teeth that dripped

With promises.

"Comfort", they sang

"Belonging" in some minor key.

And other words I knew but couldn't hear.

My tongue slid out onto the floor and flapped along,

While theirs did all the talking,

Licking my face with daggers and

Laughing into my bones.

I could have drowned in wolf-mouths,

Wrapped myself in their wet steel pelts to keep warm 

And swam the waves of their blood all the way up,

But I shut the door, and left them on the stoop with my throat for their dinner.