Absolution.

It's like something just fell into place.
Don't know if it was going back
Checking in to find that God was
Right where I left it
There between the desert and the sky

Or was it finding out it wasn't me, after all
That all the times you told me it was my fault
That I should have could have tried harder
But I found out when you told me I am broken, careless and
Not enough...
That you were lying.

Somehow something shifted
Some silent quake
Or quiet flood of "okay"
Swept all of my sickness down a drain.

Found a center in me
That I always knew was there, but thought I wasn't working hard enough
That I could rush to find it if I only tried harder.
Now I know it better that there wasn't really more to do.
I did as much as I knew how
and now,
I am just enough.

I've found that thing I have been looking for my whole life.
I've been forgiven for everything.
I have said all the Hail Marys,
Tallied up every right for wrong
And come back around, full-circle

To find that I am home.

Rule #3: You must never freak out.

I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry
On with the show.

The show must go on.
The show must go on.
This ain't it, kid.
this just ain't it.

You gotta learn this fucking lesson
that your brain likes fucking shortcuts
That you make some bad decisions

That
Sometimes I need a leash.
Sometimes I think I need a choke chain
That frontal disinhibition will get me every time.
It's pain that's fucking clarifying
I see so very clearly now

I bought the ticket now I gotta
take the ride.
Wanna phone a friend or somehow
Pull the cord on
Some helpful parachute
Ought to hang the thing up
Now that I've got the message, but-

But the point is that I got myself here
And the thing about being alone is being able to get
Myself out.

The Show Must Go on.
Yeah, it is always all about the show.
All about the stage and lights
and depth and breadth of that experience, yeah
I'm all about that experience but it's just
Not all about me.

Stretch.

I've hanged myself.
Crushing bone against the years
Always believed that I was stronger than
My body could have told me
I've hurt myself.

It's real pain this time
Not the kind you label heartache
But the kind of pain that steals all of your other senses
Colors all of your defenses
Weighs you down.

Gates opened by an injury,
Now the flood's welcome in.
Every bruise and ache and tender
Place burns brighter, does me in.

Cause once you light up all those senses
Turn them against me, towards the wrenching
Twisting burning sinews in my spine
I breathe a mantra that I'm fine.

I'm fine.
It's all coming in at once, but
I am fine.
I'm thankful that it isn't worse, but
I am fine.
Finally take another pill and I am fine.
For now.

I lick my wounds and pray to God
I am fine.
Someday soon I pray
That I won't need a knife to cure me
I am fine.
That thirty-five is too young to start cutting up
This body that's betrayed me
I.  Am.  Fine.

I guess I never thought I would hurt so much.
This early in my life.

Sleep. Walk.

I sleep, you walk.

We dream and drift and drag our feet

Each measuring the other

Some circling standoff

Meant to keep both our hands quite clean.

Both guns not quite drawn

Both minds not quite open

Both hearts drum in a time we can’t quite

Dance to.

I walk, you sleep

We die and wake and find ourselves

Bowing at the feet we washed and 

Tried so hard to play keep away from.

I step gingerly around my own

Eggshells

You wish gingerly around your own

Regrets and reservations

Wish in one hand...

Repent in the other.

And see which fills up first?

Impact.

Competed with myself.
I always push too hard, and should have known better
Than to race my better judgement to some
Invisible finish line.
It's never enough, you see.
I drink from a firehose, and don't say "It's enough" because it never is.
Until I finally stop and look around to find I've
Already drowned.
"Who are you enough for?"
Rang out between my ears
Thought I had a better grip on my own fate
I just wanted some impact,
Didn't quite expect how heavy the fallout would be.

Ticking breeze

Beat by beat

We find some ticking time

Each of us waiting for the bomb

To drop. 

Dance some wicked tango

Meant to try to keep us safe

Safe from sadness and regret and some

Measure of heartbreak.

Beat by beat

Our footsteps sync in time.

No matter how we wander

Keep drifting back in line.

I hope you understand

I don’t know which way this goes 

All I can ever focus on is

What’s right before my toes.

Beat by beat 

More and more. 

Patience trust and courage 

Tell me it’s all worth it 

Not even in the end, but just for now.

I try to do one thing that frightens me.

Every day.

And then someday,

Being in love won’t frighten me so much.

Fell.

I went out.
I was looking for answer.
Something to fill a hole, I was.
Found something to be interested in.
Someone to teach me something.
I breathe in, and breathe hard
And open wide.

These violent delights
Meet violent dreams
and send us to violent ends.
Your violet breaths keep me
ever captivated.

Would you ever breathe with me?
A little of the space between
And I'm ever kept adrift.

Oh, how I fall.

It Breaks.

It breaks.
We break.
We try so hard to put to back together,
I know you do.
You know it's worth it.
I know I'm not.
Or - that you and I just aren't the same.
"I'm just not into you."
I want to say.
"I made a mistake"
I had to say it over and over and
You still believe in my goodness and perfection and a
version of me that I don't wanna be and so
Lie
or subvert the truths
We've always told
the ones that made so much sense in that moment
we just always loved so
hard we could fracture our dreams for your
Hap
Pi
Ness
And weren't you happy?
After it all didn't you
Succeed?
Cause when the end comes and we add up the score of
Yours minus mine
Then it's all been worth it we both end on top.
We both win
We're both on a team
We.
Both.
Win.
Something.

Right?