Heartbeats

I follow your heartbeat, your hoofbeats toward the sun
The sun, the moon, the blinding stars
The sand and earth and shining sky
The wind in sheets
The rain on rooftops
Slowly pounding down the sound
Slowly drowning out your name

The blue, the green they pull me closer
They bring me in and tear me down
Scatter my last ashes
Whisper my soul's secret aloud.
Strip me bare, shiver naked screaming bleeding
For one solid chance.

I howl.

My lips my feet my fingertips
Are made of sand.
My ears my throat between my legs
Shout forth hollow empty words
Draw me down and bring me closure
Open eyes and shut my chest
I'll gasp and grasp and hold it in
This, my song of longing and release.

Right.

"Shove another dragon down a hole."
Off this cliff again
Hold me, keep me, let me.
Close to safe, next to whole.
Dreaming syrup, changing with the leaves.
It's working, just now.
It's not easy, but is it ever?
So glad to be swimming with the current, letting it carry me downstream where it will.
One year later, learned so so much
About me, you, us and them.
About right and wrong and when to just keep my mouth shut.
About triggers, about how easy it really is to be that girl.
About the things that really matter.
Eyes crossed, a little constellation points the way.
I am cautious, and willful and thoughtful and joyful.
I am joyful.

"Please stop haunting me." I wrote. And am learning to be less surprised by the response.