Wind and water.

Sleeping later than I mean to.
Talking more, reading less
Shutting down and closing up.

It's not really the fear of where I'm going,
It's the strangeness, the realization of where I've been
I'm spoiled, a selfish little brat,
Princess about to get mud on her hem.
Or find another white horse to ride on
Consequence-less, all fairytale...
The bitter weeds that choke my throat are
Better kept quiet.

You used to tell me about how the
Driving wind and wild water once drove you
Back from the brink.
Back from an edge, back into your loneliness and
Sorrow.
About how you almost lost it all
And in between the lines
Is the story of how you found strength
And a peace, of sorts: in the choice you made there.

I'm hard over
Rails in the water, sheets trim and
Leaning in to tack.
Ready about, he always said.
I never really knew what it meant, till now.

For.

For every time I've cried
Every time i have wanted to lay down on the floor
In the kitchen
The grocery store
The dirty carpet or the parking lot
For every time i have wanted to close my eyes
To close my hands over my ears and scream
To fill my head and the whole world with my own voice
To shout out my heart's fevered sorrow
Pitiful desperation
Dark and wretched in my weeping.
For every time I wanted so badly to loose this aching from my chest
With singing strings and a jeweled offering...
For every time I didn't, and instead
Just kept stirring this pot,
Kept my head held high and my hands busy
Kept them from doing me wrong.
For every time I just put another foot in front of the other.
Reached out instead.
For every time I took this opportunity to be thankful and connected and healthy and hopeful...
For everything.

Splitting things up.

Goodbye.
If it was ever a last,here now
Snowflakes disappear on wet pavement
Mix with my tears and down the drain
Down the drain, at last
A final curtain call,
Last bow in our terrible ballet.
Sign here on the dotted line
Signing our life away
Our plans, our future, all that brought us together and tore us apart
All the water under the bridge isn't ever enough to
Keep us afloat.
Keep us whole
Rent asunder,
This is how much I wanted
To leave, to walk away with nothing but the shoes on my feet
I know there's things I'll regret
But I've loved and lost and better for it all.
I am loved
And lost
And bitter for it all.
Please forgive me, darling,
For I am wrong.
Hearbroken, but I still have to walk my path alone.

Lonely road.

I'm pulled, more intent than purpose.

One tear or two or a whole box later

Altering perception, reality

Pay the price.

Take me down, piece by bleeding piece.

I know better than to believe my bitterness, or yours.

This is all temporary. We are all temporary.

Pain and pleasure and these dried flowers,

The echoes of laughter, the ghost of your hand in mine.

All eventually fade away.

Fade out, breathe out, bleed out over and over again.

This won't last.

It never does.

I know better than to believe your promises,

My feigned optimism.

Every moment, we are recovering from something.

We are, each of us, grieving something.

Letting go.

We all want to fall down and drown in our own tears.

Who am I to think my hurt is any greater than yours?

If I can just keep from burning alive in the fire that rages in my chest

And behind my eyes.

If I can keep afloat, and keep from destroying this ship

Just so that it can't sink again.

If I can hold my head up and say for once I did something right.

But for now I inch along the ground,

One pothole at a time.

I pick up little jewels along the way to wear in my martyr crown.

Sharpened facets catch my eye and dance

Until I put one foot in front of the other again

And win for one more day.