Alter.

Anything.
Anything to look up.
To see farther.
Flirting, dancing with it.
Crossing the line only halfway.
Drop by drop.
Reminds me why I do this
Reminds me there are a thousand ways to bleed
And a thousand more to stem the tide.
Some just work better than others.
Start and stop again
My insecurities bog me down
Like wading through the mud, one slogging step at a time.
Every time I am convinced I'll get to hear "no more"
"no thanks"
"not now"
I know it's in my head- an automatic pattern
A spinal reflex response to getting my box stretched.
But every time I am reassured a little more,
That it's alright for now.
I can stop holding my breath.
Reminding myself that there's a thousand ways to die a little.
"Suicide on the installment plan"
And so the floor stays dirty
And so I do it wrong some of the time.
I'll be the first to say I fuck it up alot.
But the things I do right matter.
The laundry piles up.
I will never be a housekeeper, or the things a good woman should be,
But I promise to be interesting.
Fascinatingly, horrifyingly so.
There's a thousand ways to see it, sometimes a perspective check is necessary.
So I pour myself a lemony nightcap
I enjoy it's bitterness- distracting me from the more acrid thoughts I am helpless to stop.
Whining only, when is it my turn?
A small blow to my fragile ego makes me stiffen, cautious.
Today's sin is: envy.
Is it really worth it?