Not that ocean.

Oh, would you.

I’m not the angel you are looking for.

I’m not your solution, or even
Your brief hiatus from some
So painful solitude.
I am here, though.  And not leaving.
I am afraid though, and not gonna lie about it but I am

Afraid I’ll love you.

I’m afraid I’ll fall so far into your
Too good to be.
Too interesting to be
Too hardworking to be
Too loving to be
Just too much to be
True.

You know, I’m the one of us with the carrot.

You know I am the one more activated.
I have you captivated.
So, show me.

Good god you have me so captivated

I say

And here I am, am I asking for something I couldn’t ever
Give you anyway
I have built myself a house of straw,
So many stars shining brighter for it,
How do you bring that light to me?
You want all of me,
You’ll get it.
Ain’t nothing left we either have to lose
Or really to gain anyway.
I wasn’t missing you, before you came along,
But I sure as fuck am now.

Maybe I want you,
Maybe I don’t even know better.

Maybe I just want to be wanted and cared for
And to feel small and listened to and cherished for
Who I fucking am.
Rather than the ways that I just reflect someone's tenuous
Success.
Oh, to be worthwhile
Oh, for my thoughts and opinions to matter
Oh, for someone to pay all of that glorious Attention
So selfishly, to

Me.

Oh for someone to give me the same

Courtesy.

Every question ever asked was just an opening.
If I could change everything about me,

I’d keep it the same if I could keep it 

The same about you.
I know all of the times I was embarrassing.
My cheeks still flush hot today,
What is love even made of?
What are we even worth?

It takes an ocean not to break.
And I am not that ocean.

Oh I am not that ocean.

Examine.

Gave too much away.
Tripped on my good intentions.
Didn’t fall so much as jumped.
Facing my bad decisions one by one, and finding
If you were me, you might have made them too.

Maybe I’m making excuses for being tired
For laziness or sensitivity
But I hurt for her.
I hurt for all of them.
For all the times I could have stood up and said something
But was silent.
I have power, I am powerful
And I was quiet.
I am sure she made herself clear
I am sure she said no in every way she knew how
And I am sure you didn’t listen,
Because you never really do.

Examine yourself, then.
Examine the why and whom and where and now
And then storm the last of that temple, anyway.
We tear each other apart in the name of some faceless god
In the name of someone else’s idea of better.

I was quiet.
I could have kept watch or stood witness in that holy place
I could have spread my careful wings around her
I have power.
But am I powerful.
Examine that, I suppose.

Boundary.

I am a blurry thing.
Somehow the wind fell out of my sails,
Or the keel dropped right out the bottom.

I’m not drifting this time
On some inconstant breeze,
Rather taking the hand of any direction that will have me.

Deck wide open, belly-up to the aching sun
But every door is still shut tight.

Every hatch battened and not a soul about-
I bare my broken teeth to an uncaring sky
A half-hearted snarl plastered over my bow.
Heave-ho among the waves breaking over me.

Have to find a way, again.
Have to feel my feet on the ground,
Or at least gather the pieces of my scattered shell.

This wind that blows right through me
It rattles my bones clean.

Absolution.

It's like something just fell into place.
Don't know if it was going back
Checking in to find that God was
Right where I left it
There between the desert and the sky

Or was it finding out it wasn't me, after all
That all the times you told me it was my fault
That I should have could have tried harder
But I found out when you told me I am broken, careless and
Not enough...
That you were lying.

Somehow something shifted
Some silent quake
Or quiet flood of "okay"
Swept all of my sickness down a drain.

Found a center in me
That I always knew was there, but thought I wasn't working hard enough
That I could rush to find it if I only tried harder.
Now I know it better that there wasn't really more to do.
I did as much as I knew how
and now,
I am just enough.

I've found that thing I have been looking for my whole life.
I've been forgiven for everything.
I have said all the Hail Marys,
Tallied up every right for wrong
And come back around, full-circle

To find that I am home.

Rule #3: You must never freak out.

I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry
On with the show.

The show must go on.
The show must go on.
This ain't it, kid.
this just ain't it.

You gotta learn this fucking lesson
that your brain likes fucking shortcuts
That you make some bad decisions

That
Sometimes I need a leash.
Sometimes I think I need a choke chain
That frontal disinhibition will get me every time.
It's pain that's fucking clarifying
I see so very clearly now

I bought the ticket now I gotta
take the ride.
Wanna phone a friend or somehow
Pull the cord on
Some helpful parachute
Ought to hang the thing up
Now that I've got the message, but-

But the point is that I got myself here
And the thing about being alone is being able to get
Myself out.

The Show Must Go on.
Yeah, it is always all about the show.
All about the stage and lights
and depth and breadth of that experience, yeah
I'm all about that experience but it's just
Not all about me.

Stretch.

I've hanged myself.
Crushing bone against the years
Always believed that I was stronger than
My body could have told me
I've hurt myself.

It's real pain this time
Not the kind you label heartache
But the kind of pain that steals all of your other senses
Colors all of your defenses
Weighs you down.

Gates opened by an injury,
Now the flood's welcome in.
Every bruise and ache and tender
Place burns brighter, does me in.

Cause once you light up all those senses
Turn them against me, towards the wrenching
Twisting burning sinews in my spine
I breathe a mantra that I'm fine.

I'm fine.
It's all coming in at once, but
I am fine.
I'm thankful that it isn't worse, but
I am fine.
Finally take another pill and I am fine.
For now.

I lick my wounds and pray to God
I am fine.
Someday soon I pray
That I won't need a knife to cure me
I am fine.
That thirty-five is too young to start cutting up
This body that's betrayed me
I.  Am.  Fine.

I guess I never thought I would hurt so much.
This early in my life.

Sleep. Walk.

I sleep, you walk.

We dream and drift and drag our feet

Each measuring the other

Some circling standoff

Meant to keep both our hands quite clean.

Both guns not quite drawn

Both minds not quite open

Both hearts drum in a time we can’t quite

Dance to.

I walk, you sleep

We die and wake and find ourselves

Bowing at the feet we washed and 

Tried so hard to play keep away from.

I step gingerly around my own

Eggshells

You wish gingerly around your own

Regrets and reservations

Wish in one hand...

Repent in the other.

And see which fills up first?