Second.

It would be hard.
I wouldn't want to share with me,
Be compared to me
With all my flaws and precious faults
I am a force to be reckoned with (of nature? Ha.)
I am one of those girls, I think.
Playing my part well, keeping my piece and finding my way across this tightrope without losing my balance much.
I feel like it's cheating somehow, but I recognize that no matter whether I am counting cards or not,
My shadow's a dark place indeed.
I don't mean it.
I try to give as much as I can.
I wish I knew how to do more.
I wonder though if it's that I'm not giving my best, or that what you need simply isn't mine to give?

Day.

Countdown.
Chin up.
Have faith.
Another reminder.
Another sidelong glance.
Go with the flow.
Opportunity.
Perfection.

Worth it. So, so worth it.
Swing wide, uppercut to my self-doubt.
Grace and Providence deal their cards
A death blow to my fear of failure.

Another chance, today.
I am quietly celebrating-
"...this chance to be alive and breathing...",
one year of growth and learning later, love elevates us all,
a simple reprieve
my forever teammate, I will always pick you for my kickball team.

"Curiouser and curiouser...."
I enjoy your peculiarities, the familiarity.
Sharing in it all. Comfortable and comforting, won't you curl your tail 'round my legs and sing me a lullabye?
In the end, you're all I ever needed.
I want it all, but I only need you.

As you were.

"And mercy, mercy in this world..."

Logic vs. animal, rational and desirous

Compete for my attention and affection

Back to where I belong, I suppose.

Better this way.

I'm living life from one rehearsal to the next

And it's starting to get a little old.

"You reinvent yourself every 7 years" someone told me.

I might be getting closer.

7-year itch?

Alone here and awake.

I was reaching, calling out and opened up and trusted that

I could.

It stings a little, but I know better.

Grainy focus

Blurred edges and lines

Fast-forward please to the part where I know my lines?

Where I know what the next page brings?

"...for wise men know what monsters you make of them.'''

Sniffing on the wind, something's coming.

Little twisting vines wrap through my ears scrambling to catch hold.

Tentacles, even. Barbed and envenomed.

I take that leap, I touch that spinning wheel, I climb because

If I never did, I might never make it.

But if I don't at least I tried.

I do it because I don't know any other way.

Because a life lived at anything less than full-speed...

Not that it isn't a life at all, it just isn't a life for me.

Overwhelmed and undernourished

Here your path takes a turn and mine continues straight.

It was nice to walk here a little while,

And I must remember that this way is just as lush,

Just as perfect still as I go on.

Relinquish.

It's the helplessness that gets me every time.
Do I have control issues?
And, is this where it all comes from?
Some misplaced blame
Another story I tell myself about how I could have done more
How this shouldn't have happened and how I need to tell you what happened to me because maybe you will forgive me.
Maybe your absolution will make it go away.
I have to hold on, I have to remember and go over it again- the part where I was wrong or couldn't or didn't. I have to go over it again- as a punishment.
Because maybe I will find something new?
I hold on so tight because it's comfortable- because that ache is a familiar thing.
I want to tell you but I don't. I never do because the truth is, you don't want to hear it.
The truth is, it doesn't really matter.
My purpose is to learn as much as I can
To overcome my fears
To give as much love and light and hope as I can
As much as I can.
And the rest of the truth is, I wasn't helpless in those moments.
I gave of my love.
I dressed her gently and sang her a lullabye and held her with love and care.
I gave a smile, a gentle touch, a laugh.
The real truth is, it's not my fault.
And that story only holds court in my soul as long as I allow it to.
Until I can let it go, and let unbridled joy fill in the cracks.

How do I let go of the purple lips, the crawling, the smells and cracking skin and bones? How to stop my little skeletons their rattling? It's a journey of forgiveness and releasing.
Its comfortable in the dark,
But I don't have to stay here.
I am my own captor- my own judge and jury.

I don't have to pay my soul's ransom in rubies and sapphires.

Eyes up.

An ocean washes in front of me

Clearing a beach of its sand

Clearing away the fears, the loneliness, all the little shells and stones.

The water slowly advances, relentless in its pursuit of the shore.

One step forward, two steps back for the beach.

Belly up, an eternity of helplessness - reeds in the dunes cry out for strength

They scream for relief from the sky.

They wave seeded stems in desperate prayer,

But the sea flows on

The wind keeps blowing

And someday, slowly, the beach will lose.

Alone.

Lots to learn.

Another opportunity for growth

I want to run and hide, avoidance tempts me.

But any opportunity to face my fears

To allay my insecurities

To find the reality that lives between the truth

And the stories I tell myself.

Making up some judgement - it isn't there

Excusing my pathology, maybe I'm not so strange

Sleeping less than I want to

Feels like it's all always falling apart - some Mills' Mess

With 7 flaming, jellied octopi.

I'm sure it looks like it's always together.

"How do you deal with the stress?"

In healthier ways, I think.

I still give in, now and again to temptation

To spite, to destruction and escapism.

Sometimes I still sleep too much

"Everyone you know admires you."

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Lesson for the day: learning to accept more.

Challenge: fear of being alone.

Surprise: commitment. Avoidance gets me absolutely nowhere.

Don't ask. Or, reasoning.

Got nothing but time on our hands
Sometimes it still does ruin my day
Can this be my sign?
"Dont ask."
I want to be better.
I want to do it right, but right by whom?
Am I justified or simply making excuses?
I want to honor that, something special.
I know the difference but I am the only one here.
I am the only one here.
Catching up, catching up...
Waiting for the momentum to sweep me back into action, conviction, attention.
Waiting for the pendulum to bring me clarity.

Resolution.
I am surprised that despite some dissolution, still a tenuous outcome.
I am somehow pleased, as if it's a job well-done.
It isn't.
I remember my bedside prayer for you and shake my head.

"I can't force these eyes to see the end."
Find a goal, then.
Find an outcome, however dubious at least it's a plan.
A target, a path, a reason for this bloodshed.
If it's gonna hurt, at least tell me why.