Eclipse.

One night in the dust,
I knelt and took in the view
Drawn and fascinated by a million twinkling lights
I held them tight, that they might shed some
On me.
The moon and I, we danced and sang
Took shelter in her shadow
And when the sun came out again I saw
Everything, it will be alright.
It really will all be ok.
Left here with a sense of holiness
Perfection, like you said -
You are the most insignificant speck which makes you
The most important.

I had a dream I knew I was dreaming,
About an old house that I could smell
Heavily varnished wood and that grey smell that
Only old old houses have.
About being on the beach and watching the waves rise through
The reeds.
Feeling the sand under my feet.
In dreamland, I can make it rain.
I can whip the clouds into a frothing frenzy
I shared a smile and a friend's hug
And walked on down the shore.

Only I remain.

I shall not fear.
Walls shaken a little,
Given opportunity to reflect on where I am
Where I'm going
Where I have gone
I hear your concern for
The things I'm supposed to do
That I haven't completed my process
Left some things undone
Some wound unhealed.
It's true, what they say
That this work is never, ever done
It's all a journey forth
First, to thine own self be true
For the first time, I am.
That's the thing, isn't it? The strength to stand
On my own two feet inside these arms?
Love first for myself?
"Do you love yourself?"
So long alone, the answer was no.
But I shall not and I do not fear.
Only love remains.
So if you have advice, judgement or else for me
See me as I am now:
Happy, healthy, living my truth and my bliss
Loved and in love.
Bright and hopeful for myself and for the world.
And most of all,
Proud to be me.

Can you say the same? And if not, can you then judge the path I've taken?

You and I.

Maintain a balanced outlook.
Keep sight of the things that matter.
Do you have what it takes?
The answers?
The formula?
I've found it, guys.
I've got it right here, and if not now,
Then when?
How many weeks?
Days or years
I have all the things that matter, here.
Is there any one factor,
Any one that makes it right
More than that feeling in my chest
That heaviness
That doesn't want to run and hide
That opens
That wants to be the truth
And see it grow.

This is it.
I knew before and I knew now to have faith
In the opportunity presenting itself
I have faith in the universe telling me that this.
Here.
Now.
Doesn't get any better.
I can wait around all I want but I won't find it.
Won't catch it.
All the external validation in the world
All the analysis
The discussion
Won't change that spark
That glow and sweet sweet burn
Love at first sight that I'll never
Leave
That if everything that happened, everything from the moment of realization
That night in Phoenix
One argument, one failure, one
Heartbreak after another,
The moment of impact.
If it was all worth it,
To make me into who I am now
To bring me to this point,
That if it was all worth it then I'll say yes.
Yes here,
Yes today.
That everything I've been through in the last year,
The last 2 years.
The last 29 years
Has made me into the woman I am.
The perfection you love.
The one thing I can choose over every
Thing.
Else...
Every.
Time...
Then, Yes,
Yes I'll say Yes,
Yes here and now, for no other reason than we can't find one not to.
Than for no other reason than this.
Than that we've fallen for each other
And we want the world to know that we are so and

You and I.

Never, ever

Won't be.

Twenty-Five, still.

Talking, living loving.
Brightening red neon sparkles by my ear,
Bug buzzing through my head -
Reminding me.
Always your reminder,
Oh yeah.
Here we go again.
Again and again.
Another 4 months of
Uncertainty, of no energy
Uncertainty, no energy.
No faith, dim reality
Like the light
Just turned off.
Like love
Flies out the door.
Tragedy, insanity, lost youth and infamy.
I'd be famous if it wasn't for January.
Or was it December, the year before?
Red light street screaming in my ears, whining
For attention, affection,
Go away.
Go Away
Here it comes, that endless ache and all too familiar smell
And bottomless bottomless need.
I go alone in a crowd, unsure and unsung
Petulant, untrusting.
I find a halting rhythm but it stops.
It always stops.
The price to pay for burning too bright.
Ten years of winter, I'm still here in terror.
My bravery faltering, my confidence crumbling with the frost.
Poor little pumpkin, will you survive, this time?
I shiver with the leaves, my colors changing too.

Or not.

I've had enough.
I've thought it through, this way and that
And decided it's enough.
That you don't need my pity
My help
My extended hand, no
That anything you ever gave was less out of love
And more self-interest.
The opportunity to forever have a one-up
A hold-over
And because it might further endear you
But not for selflessness
And no, not for love.
And so maybe you're right,
Maybe it is for me, and for everyone
To leave well enough alone,
Let you to yours and I to mine
I give.
I give up.
So I'll be here if you ever need.

Or not.

With me.

Things keep bouncing back
Keep coming up
Things I thought I had forgotten
Thought I had closed the door on
Buried that hatchet
And the last of the horse-bones
With it.
Keeps cropping up.
Head rearing, wing-flapping
Dragons with their claws and teeth
That baby with her cold eyes
The smell of injustice
A maggot or two.
The moments that counted
When I was helpless to do anything but stand quietly by.
When there was no doing in the world,
No saying, no paying, no going or coming
No killing that could save.
It's those moments I die still in every day.
That I could take your place,
Your pain,
Your rabid desperation
Oh god, that anything I could do would help
But I am dwarfed, made mute and impotent by my fear
My naïveté.
My shocking weakness.

I know it isn't my fault, and little anyone could do
But still I didn't measure up
And it's my own disappointment that haunts me
That finds its way into my skin
Only to be cut out again.
Oh god, poor me.
Misguided martyr,
Tortured soul can I ever let go the idea that
Any of it.
Anything at all.
Has anything.

To do.

With me.

Strength and magic.

I've started dreaming again.
I dream of water that tries to drag me under,
Of a new house where mine once stood,
Of change, overwhelming change in the ground and the sky.
I dream that the people I love are all working through mud,
Wiping it like tears from their eyes.
I get lost in the details and keep forgetting where I'm going
And why it was so important that I go there in the first place.
I always have something pressing to do,
But there's always something in my way.
I wake, surprised to find there's light in my room here
An hour earlier than I did yesterday.
I've started dreaming again,
And writing-
Drawing charcoal shapes on the walls that close me in.
There are doors and windows everywhere that never work
Outlined in black, as if all I need is the magic to make them real.
But it's really only the strength I lack to fling them open wide.