Living.

I have climbed 20 feet in the air to hang spiderwebs.
I raised my fists in the air to a crowd of hundreds. They smiled.
Magic glitter and fairy-dust that flew me around over tree leaves, sacred paintings and river-velvet stones.
I turned and danced on shimmering heads and was lifted up with fireflies caught in my hair.
I spun and wept upside-down, cradled in dreams and soft white arms that carried me into the heart of God.
When I peeked through my clouds, they were still there, smiling.

Chased a stray around on a ladder for a while, and when he followed me home,
I bandaged his wounded heart, gently washed his feet and helped restore his trust in family, love and community.
I gathered my lovely ones around me, and we traipsed across the playground as we do.
Splashed into the pool at midnight, and giggled all together.

I sat with the cool wind and the bright stars there at the water
Asked them for forgiveness, for patience.
Spilled my regret and sorrow out into my hands and drew my fingers through their sharpness.
I did something quite wrong.
Almost necessary, but wrong.
I've done that a lot, lately, and the disappointment weighs down my little shoes.
I wrung my hands at the moon there on that bridge over the river
And she simply stared back at me, slowly shaking her head.

I held a tiny heart in my hands, waiting and waiting for it to stop.
I sang, I prayed and cried a little. And waited longer.
I couldn't leave, for those two hours, each moment ticking slower.
I wonder if I hang on too tightly, if I assign too much importance
To not leaving them alone.
To fussing over these few strange moments between birth and death.
My heart breaks a little, and I hate this place more every time I sit in that room
Rocking little ones to their last sleep.
Singing their only lullabyes
Giving all the love and caring I have because he deserves it.
Because for that moment, I am his only mother.
My shoes are heavy with this grief, too.

But we keep going, we have to.
Dust to dust, settling on my wounds for a moment slows their bleeding.
I can breathe for a moment, and put another foot in front of this one.
And put another sunrise behind me.
Ashes to ashes, "there's nothing left to burn, so I set myself on fire"
Always riding the ragged edge of disaster, failure, temptation, and destruction.

I'll admit, sometimes I look for something to destroy.
And often, I find myself simply staring into the mirror.