Courage?

"...they gather their courage, and they give it a try..."
I sit on the floor of a motel shower, pushing a sliver of soap across the shelf on the bottom of the shower door.
I shuttle it back and forth a few times, and then rinse the soap slime from my fingers.
I take stock of my skin- sallow pale, instead of my usual milky pale under the harsh motel bathroom light. I'm the wrong color. I wonder if anyone else has noticed.
For something to do, I count.
43.
I count again.
42.
The shower spray is narrow, though, only comforting one side of my back at a time. I sway slowly back and forth to warm my arms.
I rinse my hair again.
The water covers my ears, and for a minute, the drops hitting my wet head are louder than my thoughts. They're louder than my confusion. My ears are filled in this instant with something other than a jumbled loneliness, excitement, regret, and insecurity.
I am thankful for endless motel bathroom hot water.