It's been a while.

How do you say it?
How do you look a woman in the eye?
I wanted to run, run fast and far.
I kept pushing the volume button, searching and searching. Didn't know I was turning up silence.
I could live a long, happy life if I never had to see that telltale black and white smudge that shouldn't be so still.
Little telltale heart, your stillness rushing through my ears, betraying every laugh, every smile and little dimple that just would never be.
Betraying that raucous announcement that just would never be.
Winged joy just ran away, why can't I?
Mottled purple, green and red, like a child's colorful drawing of what a baby might look like.
Those lipstick-red lips, gaping open to join everyone else in surprise.
Surprise, nothing.
I cried later, where you couldn't see me. We keep it all together in some feigned show of strength and professionalism.
Professionals don't show that much emotion, apparently.
Although, secretly I think that my stoicism in the face of such open heartbreak, wailing weeping and abject sorrow is something that I'll be judged for, in the end.
Maybe I'd feel better now if I had cried with you.
How do you dash someone's dreams in a sentence?
"I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm so sorry."
I was just thinking it had been a while, I even looked back to see when the last time was that that room was used. The one with all the sweetly painted boxes, the play-doh and plaster of paris, the cards and stamp ink, the scale that's used for weighing only one thing. There's a sink in there, and a chair. A little photo printer... A macabre little art room.
It had been a while, thankfully. If it was more often, this job might not be worth it.
I hope you recover, I hope your other beautiful children and your multitude of family members are a comfort to you. I hope you don't blame yourself and most of all, I hope you always remember with love, not bitterness.
I hope I do, too.