Ask again later.

Had an awful, awful few minutes the other night.
Awful moments of
What have I done.
What did I miss.
How could this have happened?
A woman came in bleeding, too much too early.
Tha jagged little line said her baby was o.k.
The ultrasound counted heartbeats, I saw the moving valves myself in 2-D reassurance.
She moved to a different room to stay the night,
And somewhere in between, despite all signs pointing to 'yes', her baby died.
I stayed in the room long enough to see those valves again, but still.
Half an hour earlier, I had seen it's proof of living. And now,
"Fetal demise". "It's confirmed." to my horror.
What have I done. Racking my brain, my training, my intuition for an answer.
What did I miss, were there subtle lates? Should I have given her more Terb?

I asked around, no-one said they would have done different.
I asked again, no-one saw anything wrong.
It just wasn't this soul's turn.

I am still really shaken. Most days I wouldn't take a desk job for triple the money.
But to never wonder if I've killed someone, ever again...
Makes me think pushing pencils might not be so bad.

But then I'd miss all the other moments.
Seeing a new father's tears of joy.
Hearing a screaming new life announce her arrival.
Watching a mother hold the most precious thing in her world for the very first time.
Ushering the very best gift into the light...
Most days, it's still worth it.
If it's ever not, most days, then I'll find somewhere else to go.