Gone so fast.

"Hello my honey, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal..."

Sand squeaks between my toes, slides through my fingers

I rush to cup each falling handful

Turning one palm toward the other, trying hard to catch each shining grain

I want to capture it, hold it up to the sun and see its glittering colors

Before the next one fades away.

Each sparkling snowflake sliver,

Each a tiny delighting world in itself.

I turn it over, drawn in by the detail carved here and there,

By the little dancing lights, by the shifting silver planes.

I cannot help but stand transfixed, here a moment.

Then something out of the corner of my eye moves and in a rush my eyes widen again.

I look back at my other hand, upturned in my surprise and focus

To find I've lost all the rest.

Just breathe.

"Every word..."

No long term plans, I might still be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Still waiting for it to all fall down.

A little like a caged little animal

More like a lonely bird on her perch,

Singing for my lunch, for your enjoyment, because I should.

I only regret being so far away

It's hard to juggle all this, wish I could tell you all of it

About the little grins and sparkling eyes

The small things that make it perfect, but that cause such aches and pains

I'll save it for later.

I feel disconnected, upside-down in my swing.

I have these too-short or too-long encounters that still always leave me a little hungry.

Need to put on a bow and a smile, now.

All the better to eat you with, my dear.

It's all worth it, I'm sure.

I still have this little thing that tugs, that says "This is the last time."

I wish I could have some reassurance that it isn't. You can't live life grieving a little for every little thing.

Poor little creature, take a deep breath and just live now.

Just live for now.

Patience.

We'll survive this

Another bump in the road, path less traveled

Less care-worn

I'm stronger than this and so are you.

I keep busy, so do you and while it keeps us interesting,

Can we keep interested?

World turning upside-down

We'll work through this.

Do what it takes, because this is worth doing

You're worth taking

A spin around the block,

I read recently "this is the sound of inevitability"

You could say is this the beginning

but you couldn't of the end.

Is this the sound of doors opening or closing? What would I trade?

I wouldn't trade you. I want it all, but it's all nothing without you

Without your careful context, it all crumbles.

We'll stick together, this is the sound of reaching hands

Beating hearts, still in time.

One step at a time, my dear, one stop and we'll find the journey's silver lining.

Today's lesson is about patience with the process.

Patience with your irrational self.

And blind faith and the meaning behind it all.

Let's dance?

Step one-two-three

"Anything but that"

It's a tangled web, we dance, my dear

A fine line between love and luck

Grins and grimaces

Fears, failings, insecurities and indiscretions.

Hello, frontal disinhibition

Hello, Alice with your white frills and dainty lace

Hello, high-flying trapeze

I flew once, flew high and long, stretched out over the net

Had the courage to let go before, and see what caught me

Can I do it again?

You can't always count on the line

Sometimes, there aren't enough toes to go around,

Sometimes you have to keep counting.

Step-two-three, just close your eyes and let go,

Hear the air whoosh by your ears just long enough to pass the time while your heart skips a beat-four-five.

When you open your eyes, there'll be a surprise, who know where you'll end up-six-seven-eight.

Measure your life in love, it's all that's ever left.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm drowning in it.

Silly rabbit, pull out another trick, show me what's up your sleeve, or in your pocket?

Tell me another story, weave me another dream. Goodnight, rabbit.

Goodnight.

It's all so frustrating.

We lie, a little.

I saw it today, a twisted lie.

"Is everything ok?"

The answer should have been:

"No, your baby's heart rate is less than half that of normal right now, and there is evidence that shows that a heart rate below 60 is not sufficient for brain perfusion and if this goes on much longer, your baby may suffer long term effects. Now, please turn onto your other side."

Instead, she got:

"Yes, everything's just fine. Let's roll you over."

To a point, there isn't a point to scaring the poor woman when we see this quite frequently (thanks to pitocin augmentation and continuous fetal monitoring) and it generally goes away quickly, and why raise her anxiety level when that might even contribute to further stress on her fetus? She doesn't know enough and it would take too long to explain and does she really want to know anyway? Is she looking for a real answer, or just some reassurance?

What's the point?

I still feel like she ought to be told the truth. I feel funny about her being lied to, even though we simply don't have time to give her contextually complete information.

It did pass, and everything was fine, in the end. She had a happy, healthy baby with good Apgar scores.

Which means the kid has a good start, despite the challenges his 17 year old mother will face.

And, by the way, I am in charge of 5 labor nurses who are sitting here twiddling their thumbs. Would LocalEMS please bring us a 32-week abrupting crackmomma? I'm just putting it out there. I'd like something to do, please.

Birth plan.

I totally support the making of a birth plan. Researching, discussing and writing out your wishes regarding your birth experience is empowering and helps to ensure that you get the best experience you can. However, if you're going to post your birth plan on the door of your room for all the labor nurses to read, and you're going to do the research enough to refuse a specific drug (that actually has excellent evidence that supports its routine use) please research enough that you don't get the name of the drug entirely wrong.

That is all.

One jump.

"One step/ahead of the bread line.."
"One jump..."
Leap of faith, taken small steps at a time.
Can I swallow this red pill
One makes you taller, one makes you
More aware of your boundaries, bound lies, bounding bonding leaping longing
They're small, can I have two, thanks?
Keep it fair, keep it together, keep it all wound up
Chasing my tail down another twisting rabbit hole
Butterflies and bunnies, all the way
Rewriting the story, changing the script as we muddle through
Another muggle-bucking dilemma.
I know it isn't this easy, but nothing's ever simple nor easy and
If for no other reason than to do one thing every day that frightens me
I continue.
If for no other reason than to occupy every single second of my short run here with something
very, very interesting.
I'm very, very interested.
I'm so much smarter and more interesting on paper than I am in real life.
It's really that I test well. That and the DLN have gotten me just about everything,
I am charming, I am cute, I am Jack's unending curiosity and zest for life.
Thank you, sir, may I have another?