Stretch.

I've hanged myself.
Crushing bone against the years
Always believed that I was stronger than
My body could have told me
I've hurt myself.

It's real pain this time
Not the kind you label heartache
But the kind of pain that steals all of your other senses
Colors all of your defenses
Weighs you down.

Gates opened by an injury,
Now the flood's welcome in.
Every bruise and ache and tender
Place burns brighter, does me in.

Cause once you light up all those senses
Turn them against me, towards the wrenching
Twisting burning sinews in my spine
I breathe a mantra that I'm fine.

I'm fine.
It's all coming in at once, but
I am fine.
I'm thankful that it isn't worse, but
I am fine.
Finally take another pill and I am fine.
For now.

I lick my wounds and pray to God
I am fine.
Someday soon I pray
That I won't need a knife to cure me
I am fine.
That thirty-five is too young to start cutting up
This body that's betrayed me
I.  Am.  Fine.

I guess I never thought I would hurt so much.
This early in my life.

Sleep. Walk.

I sleep, you walk.

We dream and drift and drag our feet

Each measuring the other

Some circling standoff

Meant to keep both our hands quite clean.

Both guns not quite drawn

Both minds not quite open

Both hearts drum in a time we can’t quite

Dance to.

I walk, you sleep

We die and wake and find ourselves

Bowing at the feet we washed and 

Tried so hard to play keep away from.

I step gingerly around my own

Eggshells

You wish gingerly around your own

Regrets and reservations

Wish in one hand...

Repent in the other.

And see which fills up first?

Impact.

Competed with myself.
I always push too hard, and should have known better
Than to race my better judgement to some
Invisible finish line.
It's never enough, you see.
I drink from a firehose, and don't say "It's enough" because it never is.
Until I finally stop and look around to find I've
Already drowned.
"Who are you enough for?"
Rang out between my ears
Thought I had a better grip on my own fate
I just wanted some impact,
Didn't quite expect how heavy the fallout would be.

Ticking breeze

Beat by beat

We find some ticking time

Each of us waiting for the bomb

To drop. 

Dance some wicked tango

Meant to try to keep us safe

Safe from sadness and regret and some

Measure of heartbreak.

Beat by beat

Our footsteps sync in time.

No matter how we wander

Keep drifting back in line.

I hope you understand

I don’t know which way this goes 

All I can ever focus on is

What’s right before my toes.

Beat by beat 

More and more. 

Patience trust and courage 

Tell me it’s all worth it 

Not even in the end, but just for now.

I try to do one thing that frightens me.

Every day.

And then someday,

Being in love won’t frighten me so much.

Fell.

I went out.
I was looking for answer.
Something to fill a hole, I was.
Found something to be interested in.
Someone to teach me something.
I breathe in, and breathe hard
And open wide.

These violent delights
Meet violent dreams
and send us to violent ends.
Your violet breaths keep me
ever captivated.

Would you ever breathe with me?
A little of the space between
And I'm ever kept adrift.

Oh, how I fall.

It Breaks.

It breaks.
We break.
We try so hard to put to back together,
I know you do.
You know it's worth it.
I know I'm not.
Or - that you and I just aren't the same.
"I'm just not into you."
I want to say.
"I made a mistake"
I had to say it over and over and
You still believe in my goodness and perfection and a
version of me that I don't wanna be and so
Lie
or subvert the truths
We've always told
the ones that made so much sense in that moment
we just always loved so
hard we could fracture our dreams for your
Hap
Pi
Ness
And weren't you happy?
After it all didn't you
Succeed?
Cause when the end comes and we add up the score of
Yours minus mine
Then it's all been worth it we both end on top.
We both win
We're both on a team
We.
Both.
Win.
Something.

Right?

Home, anymore.

It's not your fault.
Or really mine, even.
Fell face-first in a hopeless hole
We'd dug so willingly ourselves.

I tried to help
So did you, but in the end
Love just isn't quite enough
To cover up the slights and slivers
Growing blisters in our life.

It's the hope that is the worst part.
The plans and dreams and hope for something better
That I'd finally realized
Wasn't enough either.

It isn't enough to hope and love
And dream and wish.
You gotta do
Stop talking and do.
Be still to listen so you can really hear
The shoe about to drop
Or the wave about to crash
Or the last door about to shut and disappear.

I tried to help.
So did you, but I
Just can't do this anymore.

I'm not sure that this hopeless is even a feeling, anymore.
But it might have bled out to clot over the whole place.
These bursting blisters full of our resentment
Our anger.
Our loss.
Just might have turned a great tide in me.

This might not be my home, anymore.