It Breaks.

It breaks.
We break.
We try so hard to put to back together,
I know you do.
You know it's worth it.
I know I'm not.
Or - that you and I just aren't the same.
"I'm just not into you."
I want to say.
"I made a mistake"
I had to say it over and over and
You still believe in my goodness and perfection and a
version of me that I don't wanna be and so
Lie
or subvert the truths
We've always told
the ones that made so much sense in that moment
we just always loved so
hard we could fracture our dreams for your
Hap
Pi
Ness
And weren't you happy?
After it all didn't you
Succeed?
Cause when the end comes and we add up the score of
Yours minus mine
Then it's all been worth it we both end on top.
We both win
We're both on a team
We.
Both.
Win.
Something.

Right?

Home, anymore.

It's not your fault.
Or really mine, even.
Fell face-first in a hopeless hole
We'd dug so willingly ourselves.

I tried to help
So did you, but in the end
Love just isn't quite enough
To cover up the slights and slivers
Growing blisters in our life.

It's the hope that is the worst part.
The plans and dreams and hope for something better
That I'd finally realized
Wasn't enough either.

It isn't enough to hope and love
And dream and wish.
You gotta do
Stop talking and do.
Be still to listen so you can really hear
The shoe about to drop
Or the wave about to crash
Or the last door about to shut and disappear.

I tried to help.
So did you, but I
Just can't do this anymore.

I'm not sure that this hopeless is even a feeling, anymore.
But it might have bled out to clot over the whole place.
These bursting blisters full of our resentment
Our anger.
Our loss.
Just might have turned a great tide in me.

This might not be my home, anymore.

Travel Light.

Shedding baggage like
Paper snakeskin
It wouldn't be so heavy if it wasn't worth it,
I suppose.

Finally took that awful step,
and was less surprised by how much the fall hurt
And more surprised by how very clear the sky.

Breaking.

Another one bites the dust.
Another dragon missed the hole.
Breathe yet another sigh of
Dull relief that I didn't take a deeper plunge
Commit a bigger blunder
Or drag that forever out for longer.


Sorry I was so mistaken
Poor judge of character, you see
See, thought it was me who faked it
Found out it wasn't what it seemed.

We all learn, somehow
One way or another.
Rings and posies all fall down.
Disassembling eachother.

Your pieces don't quite fit mine.
As much as I might try.
Your shoulder isn't high enough
My arms just aren't that wide.

So look at me, my handsome man
Tell me what you see:
Your fortune or your future -
All I see is me.

In the end, the question begs:
(If ever I could ask)
Why would you want to love someone?
Who just doesn't love you back?

The way I find home

Sometimes I just want out. Sometimes I can't stand the cage I've built for myself.
Sometimes I can't stand not to just fuck up and just be for right now and for what it might not ever be.

Sometimes I get bored.
Bored with myself
Bored with you
Bored with this work
With blue goddamn sky

and I don't know how to keep myself entertained.
sometimes I go a little feral when I haven't had enough sleep,
A little wild.
It's so easy to see so clearly my wooded path home.
But sometimes I get a little bit lonely for something no person could ever be
Today's one of those tired empty days when nothing what could fill my cup
When nobody got an answer for me
Ain't no place that I can really call my own ever.
And I feel a little bit jealous of and I wonder if there's anyone who really does ever feel home.

I want out. So I'll find my way.
With or without you, I kinda don't care.
You don't have the answers and neither do I.
It's up to you whether you can be okay with the way I find home.

Both, I said.

Just please don't go.
You know, you take my heart with you.
Split and torn between its halves
I wondered, once, if I'd be judged for choosing my friends over family.
Now I wonder if I've chosen wrong.
If I'm choosing some family I might never know
Over those I know love all of me.
I drink, maybe I'm more truthful
With that damned frontal lobe turned off.
Maybe I find some depth of experience there
Maybe I discover something I wish I didn't know anyway.
I always wanted to come home.
You always told me,
You can't ever come home again.
It's never quite the same,
I know.
I can't ever really come home again.
But I can be here and now.
I can't ever put a price on or weigh a difference between smelling my little cousin's newborn head
And hearing my soul-sister's deepest belly laugh.
So I'll always regret not having more of both.
And I'll always rejoice in having some of both.

Ice.

I don't sleep, sometimes.
The teeter-totter all-nighters
Chip away at my facade,
Sweet Fates chip another inch or two off the end of my
Noose.
Glad someone is keeping score, I guess.
In the game of me vs. the night watch.
Cold creeps quiet in all the windows, curves its claws over my gutters and taps a hard heartbeat on my tin roof.
It's everywhere, barely kept just to the floor by all our flapping ministrations.
Ministers of heat, we are:
Cranking here and switching there to keep our envelope of comfort sacred.
A carpet of diamonds entertains me with their glitter,
They're not the real rare kind- the kind with fire and color and life inside- but the flat kind you buy for a girl you didn't really want to spend the rest of your days with anyway.
She knows it too, but nobody looks close enough to see the faux-gem's plain heart.
Not for now, anyway.
For now, I can't wait for dreams to happen.
I recite lines of poetry and draw impossible shapes to lull the spinning in my head.