Out of time.

Out of habit.
Out of time and mind, I wander
Loose and bright stars
Like bullet holes
Like shining arrow-marks, they drip
Their hot silver on my eyelids.
I carry my baggage forth,
Onion paper peeling down my sides
Peer again, unbelieving through the bottom of another glass-
The answers still aren't there.
But the whispers are.
Some cold metal taps a quiet heartbeat on the door.
I scoop an errant constellation of dimes from the bottom of my purse and curse them right back.
Fuck you, winter.
Not this time.

Light. House.

Wake up.
Wake up, it said.
I can't do this anymore, every fiber
Every living breathing cell screamed back
They just hurt so much.  I can't bear it.
It...
Isn't yours to bear.  You are simply to stand witness,
Hold a safe space
A sweet and sacred space for Work to be done
For miracles of joy and sorrow and dreams to be wrought.
You are not to carry their burdens,
You are to Keep at the Gate between life and death -
It's a narrower gap than anyone should know
You are to feel, you are to think freely
But you are not to walk their path with them.
You are not to breathe their air, or take their pain or their elation
Like a thief.
You have been given a gift, a front-row seat into a secret, private ritual
Do not disrupt it, no matter how strange, how terrible, how powerful.
You are a shepherd, a lamp-bearer in a storm of fear and pain and chaos.
It's easy to get swept away sometimes
But remember your place there at the threshold.
You belong there, precious one.
You belong.

Down, down.

Down, down baby.
Down by the rollercoaster
Sweet, sweet baby
I'm gonna roll it over
Do it over
Play it over and over
Been over this before
Under, down and out
Just enough net left to keep me from
Sinking.
Tripped and fell and hit my
Hard head.
Broken open, glitter crystals born
Out.
In and out, put my
Little house of cards back together again.
Paint my cracks with plaster,
Hope that this time it holds.
Not perfect, not even
But I shine like the stars when I
Shimmy shimmy cocoa puff
Shimmy shake earthquake
I just want to do it right.
I just want to keep clean.

Through.

"One two, one two
And through and through
The vorpal blade went 'snickersnack'!
I left it dead, and with it's head
Went galumphing back."
'Another one bites the dust,'
They say.
'Another dragon down a hole'
Another wave, another tide of suffocating pride
They say
Another way to dream and die another day.
Some more advice on how to live your life
Another slice slung clean and wide
Drink something from the firehose
Do it while you're still alive
Do it with your eyes wide
Do more with your eyes wide
Open up and breathe, you're not enough
Never enough for me.
It was you, you said
It's you and you and you and...
One two
One two
Through.  And through.

Sunrise.

Another silver sunrise
Another dream I was with three
Red sky at night,
Burns out all the rain clouds
Takes with it all your smoke
Mirrors clamor for their ransom
Shimmer their protests out loud
But it's all different now.
All quieter, in that space between your words.
All grains of sifting memory, not shard-slices of regret.
Concrete edges grow a soft pink
Pillow orange horizon
Bright sun breaks hot on my new-mended heart
And I think: someday I just might be clean.

In the name of Healthcare.

Sometimes

The things we do are violent, brutal and gruesome.

"It's for the best." We say.

"It's for her own good." We explain.

"We saved you." We lie.

Sometimes we're wrong.

Wolves.

I dreamed there were two

Wolves at the door.

Sneering, whale-eyed.

Tails slung low under the moon.

They grinned their lies

Through teeth that dripped

With promises.

"Comfort", they sang

"Belonging" in some minor key.

And other words I knew but couldn't hear.

My tongue slid out onto the floor and flapped along,

While theirs did all the talking,

Licking my face with daggers and

Laughing into my bones.

I could have drowned in wolf-mouths,

Wrapped myself in their wet steel pelts to keep warm 

And swam the waves of their blood all the way up,

But I shut the door, and left them on the stoop with my throat for their dinner.