Prayer for the clouds

Giving up or giving in
Feels like surrender
Surrendering to an inevitability, though
Like death, like taxes, knew you'd be back
Back to leer over my shoulder at the light I hold
Back to cast your stabbing shadow.

Six senses cloudy, dulled creativity, heaving and limits and a bruise to my pride.
One, or the other, I'll take your dizzy delirium
Over deletion.

Twisting twigs scratch toward the sky
A small, growling animal scratches in my chest
Howling it's indignance at the injustice
Imprisoned there.

Vivid sunrise in all your raucous introduction of the day,
Help me see the silver lining.

Balance

I'm a shadow boxer, a tightrope walker
My bright's a little dimmer here without your light.
Shoulda woulda coulda
Star-crossed and tongue- tied
Wherever I make my life.
Doomed from the start, just simply not to be
Sing me a lullaby, won't you sing me to sleep.
Tell me another story again, won't you
It'll mean more this time.
Your jokes would fix everything
My laughter a little more bitter, sorry.
That new year's resolution to do whatever it takes
To make it right, play it right, do it right for once
Feel like I did you wrong so long.
Looking forward to living with less stress
Less fear.
I only wanted more love, my dear.
Ten thousand days to say I love you
Ten thousand ways to succeed at life,
But like you said: I have to find the one way to get good at living.
I'm sorry that path led me away instead.
Losing what I thought I wanted,
What is it we are losing for?
What was it I was fighting for?
And will I ever find it, again?
Fourth time's a charm, I guess.
I have the pieces gathered close, now I want the rest.

Gone so fast.

"Hello my honey, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal..."

Sand squeaks between my toes, slides through my fingers

I rush to cup each falling handful

Turning one palm toward the other, trying hard to catch each shining grain

I want to capture it, hold it up to the sun and see its glittering colors

Before the next one fades away.

Each sparkling snowflake sliver,

Each a tiny delighting world in itself.

I turn it over, drawn in by the detail carved here and there,

By the little dancing lights, by the shifting silver planes.

I cannot help but stand transfixed, here a moment.

Then something out of the corner of my eye moves and in a rush my eyes widen again.

I look back at my other hand, upturned in my surprise and focus

To find I've lost all the rest.

Just breathe.

"Every word..."

No long term plans, I might still be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Still waiting for it to all fall down.

A little like a caged little animal

More like a lonely bird on her perch,

Singing for my lunch, for your enjoyment, because I should.

I only regret being so far away

It's hard to juggle all this, wish I could tell you all of it

About the little grins and sparkling eyes

The small things that make it perfect, but that cause such aches and pains

I'll save it for later.

I feel disconnected, upside-down in my swing.

I have these too-short or too-long encounters that still always leave me a little hungry.

Need to put on a bow and a smile, now.

All the better to eat you with, my dear.

It's all worth it, I'm sure.

I still have this little thing that tugs, that says "This is the last time."

I wish I could have some reassurance that it isn't. You can't live life grieving a little for every little thing.

Poor little creature, take a deep breath and just live now.

Just live for now.

Patience.

We'll survive this

Another bump in the road, path less traveled

Less care-worn

I'm stronger than this and so are you.

I keep busy, so do you and while it keeps us interesting,

Can we keep interested?

World turning upside-down

We'll work through this.

Do what it takes, because this is worth doing

You're worth taking

A spin around the block,

I read recently "this is the sound of inevitability"

You could say is this the beginning

but you couldn't of the end.

Is this the sound of doors opening or closing? What would I trade?

I wouldn't trade you. I want it all, but it's all nothing without you

Without your careful context, it all crumbles.

We'll stick together, this is the sound of reaching hands

Beating hearts, still in time.

One step at a time, my dear, one stop and we'll find the journey's silver lining.

Today's lesson is about patience with the process.

Patience with your irrational self.

And blind faith and the meaning behind it all.

Let's dance?

Step one-two-three

"Anything but that"

It's a tangled web, we dance, my dear

A fine line between love and luck

Grins and grimaces

Fears, failings, insecurities and indiscretions.

Hello, frontal disinhibition

Hello, Alice with your white frills and dainty lace

Hello, high-flying trapeze

I flew once, flew high and long, stretched out over the net

Had the courage to let go before, and see what caught me

Can I do it again?

You can't always count on the line

Sometimes, there aren't enough toes to go around,

Sometimes you have to keep counting.

Step-two-three, just close your eyes and let go,

Hear the air whoosh by your ears just long enough to pass the time while your heart skips a beat-four-five.

When you open your eyes, there'll be a surprise, who know where you'll end up-six-seven-eight.

Measure your life in love, it's all that's ever left.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm drowning in it.

Silly rabbit, pull out another trick, show me what's up your sleeve, or in your pocket?

Tell me another story, weave me another dream. Goodnight, rabbit.

Goodnight.

It's all so frustrating.

We lie, a little.

I saw it today, a twisted lie.

"Is everything ok?"

The answer should have been:

"No, your baby's heart rate is less than half that of normal right now, and there is evidence that shows that a heart rate below 60 is not sufficient for brain perfusion and if this goes on much longer, your baby may suffer long term effects. Now, please turn onto your other side."

Instead, she got:

"Yes, everything's just fine. Let's roll you over."

To a point, there isn't a point to scaring the poor woman when we see this quite frequently (thanks to pitocin augmentation and continuous fetal monitoring) and it generally goes away quickly, and why raise her anxiety level when that might even contribute to further stress on her fetus? She doesn't know enough and it would take too long to explain and does she really want to know anyway? Is she looking for a real answer, or just some reassurance?

What's the point?

I still feel like she ought to be told the truth. I feel funny about her being lied to, even though we simply don't have time to give her contextually complete information.

It did pass, and everything was fine, in the end. She had a happy, healthy baby with good Apgar scores.

Which means the kid has a good start, despite the challenges his 17 year old mother will face.

And, by the way, I am in charge of 5 labor nurses who are sitting here twiddling their thumbs. Would LocalEMS please bring us a 32-week abrupting crackmomma? I'm just putting it out there. I'd like something to do, please.